The Ten Worst Films I Have Ever Seen

This is a list reproduced from my Facebook page.

This is a list of the ten worst films I have ever seen. There might be ones I have missed but as these ten stood out in the memory I think that indicates just how bad they are. They are all unforgettably appalling.

10. Straw Dogs (1971 - Directed by Sam Peckinpah)
Around the turn of the century there was a whole spate of previously banned films that suddenly re-appeared. 'The Exorcist' wasn't particularly scary but it was atmospheric, well acted and well directed. 'A Clockwork Orange' was unpleasant and pretty dull. 'Straw Dogs', however, was just shit. Considering how bad this film is it is a wonder that 'The Wicker Man' was made just two years later as this could have put anyone off making an 'outsider terrorised by the locals' film. Sam Peckinpah had just made 'The Wild Bunch' and 'The Ballad of Cable Hogue' and was about to make 'The Getaway' and the massively underrated 'Junior Bonner'. This was like the thorn between four roses, but a big massive thorn with horns and teeth. This really should have remained banned, and not because Susan George gets done up the arse. It should be banned because it's absolutely terrible.

9. The Enchanted Cottage (1945 - John Cromwell)
A man suffers facial disfigurement during the war and when he returns he can't face his family. He rents a cottage with a maid so ugly he reckons he can have her and he is right. That is pretty much what this film amounts to. If you want to watch a movie about wounded servicemen struggling with the return to normal life watch 'The Best Years of Our Lives'. This is one of the most stuffy and stilted movies ever made. It makes 'Brief Encounter' look like 'Deep Throat'. Let's just pray those two fugly bores didn't have kids.

8. Carry On England (1976 - Gerald Thomas)
Let's get one thing straight - I love 'Carry On' films. I think they are really good fun and don't deserve their reputation as something to be ashamed of. This entry in the series, however, would make you never want to watch another if it happened to be the first one you ever saw. No Kenneth Williams, no Sid James, no Charles Hawtrey, no Hattie Jacques... the list goes on. In return we get Patrick 'Emmerdale' Mower, Melvin 'It Ain't Half Hot, Mum' Hayes, Judy 'Percy's Progress' Geeson and Jack 'wanker' Douglas.

7. B. Monkey (1998 - Michael Radford)
As a student I used to sleep in late every morning that I didn't have lectures (shock!). That meant that I used to struggle to get to sleep and ended up seeing my fair share of those movies ITV relegate to the middle of the night. Unfortunately for every 'Midnight Cowboy' there was a 'B. Monkey'. The plot concerns... ah! The film is little more than an excuse for Rupert Everett to over-act and Asia Argento to get her kit off and they both grab the opportunity with both hands. Jared Harris is such an ugly leading man he would surely need more than 'The Enchanted Cottage' to make a career as a leading man. Sadly for Rupert Everett, this isn't even the worst film he has ever appeared in...

6. The Next Best Thing (2000 - John Schlesinger)
... this is.Oh Madonna! Give it up. You are a terrible actress and you are not even attractive. It is pretty hard to stomach hearing line after line about how beautiful and sexy you are when you resemble the scarecrow from 'The Wizard of Oz', even through the Vaseline-laden camera lens this movie employs. Sadder even than Madonna's continued attempts to find her niche in the movies is that fact that this was directed by John Schlesinger, a director who made some of the best British films of the 1960s ('A Kind of Loving', 'Billy Liar', 'Darling') and then went to America and made 'Midnight Cowboy' and 'Marathon Man'. Not since Orson Welles voiced Optimus Prime in 'Transformers: The Movie' have we seen such a dramatic fall from grace.

5. Girl on a Motorcycle (1968 - Jack Cardiff)
Just because you are a great cinematographer doesn't mean you can be a great director. Jack Cardiff made this piece of psychedelic shite whilst almost certainly NOT under the influence of drugs. If he had dropped a little acid he might have made 'Easy Rider'. As it is he made one of the most incoherent and irritating films I ever wasted my life watching. Alain Delon is hardly in it and Marianne Faithful (sans Mars Bar) is neither interesting nor sexy enough to carry off what amounts to 'Barbarella on a bike'.

4. Napoleon Dynamite (2004 - Jared Hess)
When this film was released I knew it wasn't for me, but the number of people who told me I had to see this film made me think I was really missing out on something. I really should trust my gut instinct more. The whole thing was cringingly unfunny. None of the characters are likeable and it's all trying a bit hard to be quirky and funny. It is the movie equivalent Will Ferrell. Watch 'Juno' instead.

3. The Fury (1978 - Brian de Palma)
A genuine contender for the number one slot, this is a horror/ sci-fi/ spy thriller with a very wooden and annoying hero. I like Kirk Douglas and John Cassavetes but why on earth did they agree to make this pile of toss. I guess the pay packet must have been enormous. Very similar in tone to the equally fucked up 'The Eyes of Laura Mars' but just that little bit worse. When Brian de Palma gets it right he really gets it right but he gets it so wrong a lot more often and this is the worst of them... and I have seen 'Dressed to Kill'.

2. Exorcist 2: The Heretic (1977 - John Boorman)
What is the longest movie ever made? It doesn't matter because if you watch 'Exorcist 2' you will never believe that any movie is longer. Officially 118 minutes long, weeks will seem to go by before it finally crawls to its ending. An hour into watching it I looked at the time believing that it was about to end. Imagine my dismay as it trundled on like a snail-powered tractor for a further hour. The totally incomprehensible plot is the main factor but the editing and performances don't help. As wastes of talent go it must rank up there as one of the most inexcusable in Hollywood history. Richard Burton, Max von Sydow, Louise Fletcher fresh from 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', Paul Henried and, worst of all, one of my favourite directors John Boorman. This man who made three of my favourite films (Deliverance, Hope and Glory, The General) is sadly responsible for the worst Hollywood movie I have ever seen.

1. The Ups and Downs of a Handy Man (1975 - John Sealy)
Given the relative budgets, I was sorely tempted to put 'The Fury' or 'Exorcist 2' at number one but when it comes down to it this is the worst film I have ever seen on every level. Actors who don't seem to have ever spoken words before, seemingly filmed in the directors back garden on a bog-standard home movie camera engaging in the most witless soft core fumblings and lower-than-lame slapstick. Even Robin Askwith would have turned his nose up at this. It makes Benny Hill look like Charlie Chaplin. Words really cannot describe just how soul-destroyingly bad this film is. If it ever turns up on television again I almost implore you to watch it to marvel at how humans are capable of producing such utter shit but I would feel so guilty for taking even one second of your life that you will never get back that I just cannot do it.

I reckon if I was being really harsh 'The Spiderwick Chronicles' (2008 - Mark Waters) would have squeezed out 'Straw Dogs' as it is total tripe with dreadful special effects, a dull story and probably the worst climax to a film I have ever seen. However, as it is aimed squarely at young children, who would probably find something to enjoy in it, I have given it the benefit of the doubt.